Thirty-One Reflections On Domestic Abuse Part 2
Every year in October, I write thirty-one reflections on abuse to commemorate Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Abuse has become commonplace in society. Young people get involved in toxic relationships and think it is normal to be abused since they never observed a healthy relationship modeled before them.
Many parents remain in abusive relationships for the sake of the children or at least until their children are adults hoping that somehow that helps the situation. There will always be a cost to pay either way. Divorce is never easy, but there are times when ethical and human welfare lines have been crossed. Separation and divorce are often necessary when the abuser refuses to change. The victim must find a way to become a healthy and thriving human being when abusers could care less.
The #1 reason that I share awareness about domestic abuse is that many of the victims do not realize that they are in an abusive relationship. Victims are many times trusting and outstanding people who do not give up easily. They WANT their marriage to work. They can not fathom that they are in an abusive relationship.
I hope that somehow, someway, victims caught in this dilemma recognize the abuse they are under when they come across my writing. It is not a fun topic to talk about, but it is a social issue that has reached epidemic proportions and needs to be voiced. Please seek help if any of these 31 reflections resonate with you. Abuse does not get better on its own.
For those who have been victimized, the education that comes from injustice and abuse is very valuable. The abuse was not wholly useless. Use that experience and knowledge to empower yourself and others.
Day 1- “Abuse creates a civil war within the nuclear family. The children and spouse that you thought was on your team are now suddenly against you, many times for life.”
Day 2- “When you are in an abusive relationship, you are dispensable, disowned, and disinherited. You are quickly replaced and never talked about again.”
Day 3- “The victim of abuse must find the courage within themselves to bring the situation to the light by speaking about it and getting help. If they stay silent, things will never change.”
Day 4- “Abusers like to pretend that they are going to commit suicide to keep you emotionally attached, fear-stricken, and in turmoil.”
Day 5- “The alienated children who live with the abusive parent have very high regard and loyalty to the abusive parent. All the while, they treat the victimized parent with the highest of disrespect.”
Day 6- “Alienated children dismiss the victimized parent by ignoring important events and holidays such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and birthdays. They treat the victim as if they were dead and deserving of such treatment since, after all, it was the victim who left the abuser in the child’s mind.”
Day 7- “Abusers seldom admit to any wrongs or shortcomings, and repentance is unheard of. Do not hold out for an apology.”
Day 8- “A very small percentage of abused victims leave the abuser, and a tiny percentage of abusers change.”
Day 9- “Abusers and their victims do not sleep in the same bed. This survival mechanism allows the victim to tolerate the daily hostile environment that they find themselves in. Abusers who enforce the opposite, are committing sexual abuse.”
Day 10- “Men get abused the same way women do. The problem is that they are too ashamed to talk about it, get help for it, and report it.”
Day 11- “Victims of abuse do not see themselves as having value due to the destruction of their personhood at the hands of the abuser. Therefore, they choose to remain in a toxic relationship.”
Day 12- “Remaining in a chronic abusive relationship or environment could eventually lead to mental illness. The cost of staying is very high, and its effect on the mind is many times irreversible.”
Day 13- “It has been said that teamwork makes the dream work. Well, not in abusive homes. The victim is not even on the team, although they think they are. Their input is not welcomed or needed. They are on the “outside” looking in.
Day 14- “Victims of abuse remain in toxic relationships for the sake of their children, not realizing that their children will suffer regardless. The prolonged unhealthy role modeling witnessed by their children solidifies dysfunctional patterns in their minds. The victim also extends their suffering by remaining in the abusive relationship and risks further damage.
Day 15- “Abusers use the victim by making them a surrogate spouse. The victims think they are an equal partner creating a family when, in reality, they are just part of a plan. The abuser wants to birth perfect children with their DNA and uses the victim for this purpose. They do not want the victim’s influence or imprint on “their” children.”
Day 16- “Victims of spiritual abuse cannot fulfill God’s plan for their lives while living with a spiritual abuser. Their God-given gifts are forfeited due to the codependent cycle they find themselves in and the barrage of false messages that they are told and believed. Victims talk themselves into believing that accepting and putting up with the abuse is a sign of strength, godliness, and obedience to God.”
Day 17 – “To help victims of abuse, the best things friends and family could do is to hear them, love them, support them, and BELIEVE them. Their abuser never believes them. Being there for the victim regardless of their choice to remain or leave the abusive relationship is crucial. They will need extra support if they leave.”
Day 18- “The Patriarchy Movement is at the forefront of spiritual abuse. When any man positions himself as God’s spokesperson within the family role, exploitation of the mind is imminent. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where TWO minds work TOGETHER for the common good, not a dictatorship.
Day 19- “Abusers are focused, patient, and relentless when it comes to getting their way. They do not budge. They study the victim in detail. They know just what to say and how to say it to keep the victim indefinitely obedient, oppressed, and disoriented.”
Day 20- “Losing a child to parental alienation is worse than losing them to death. With death, there is closure. With parental alienation, there is never any closure, the act is senseless and intentionally perpetrated by family.”
Day 21- Common sense does not come easily to victims of abuse. They always second-guess their decisions since they are never allowed to lead and learn. Leaving an abusive relationship demands a choice that they are too weak, confused, and afraid to make. Yet, only they hold the key to their freedom.”
Day 22- “One of the spiritual abuser’s favorite Bible verses is Titus 3:10, which states to have nothing to do with a divisive person. When the victim reaches out for help, the abuser tells them that they are dividing the family. Abusers teach this verse to their children so that the rejection (parental alienation) is justified in their eyes. This belief system is at the core of every cult that has ever existed. Abusers then excommunicate and “put out” their spouse as a lesson. In many cases, the abuser gets sole custody of their children a form of punishment unless the victim repents and returns to the home/abuse.”
Day 23- “Spiritual abusers hold family meetings that could last for hours. At these meetings, they break down the victim emotionally by using Bible verses against them. The meeting never ends until THEY say it has ended. The goal of the abuser is for the victim and the children to change their behavior. Being perceived as the perfect family is essential to a spiritual abuser.”
Day 24- “An abuser’s words and actions are like smoke and mirrors. They deceive their audience daily with their performance. They make it look like they are getting things done and in the right when, in reality, they are doing nothing and are in the wrong.”
Day 25- “Victims of abuse are prisoners in their own homes. They are confined physically and mentally by the abusive prison officer. The victim must ask for permission for basic things. Once captured, it is hard to get out without a fight.”
Day 26- “Victims of abuse fear to be alone. In their minds, leaving the abuser and living without a partner is equal to being unwanted. The fact is that they have been lonely and unwanted for a very long time, but they do not realize it. Victims would be happier living under a bridge alone than living in an abusive household.”
Day 27- “Spiritual abusers are false prophets who prophesy the deceit of their minds. They fill the victim with vain hope and never deliver what they promise. Spiritual abusers also exploit the victim with false words. The victim blindly believes and obeys the abuser, thereby forfeiting their God-given gifts and personhood.”
Day 28- “Abusers will systematically repeat the same key phrases to the victim over and over again for long periods. This tactic is effective at breaking down the victim emotionally and psychologically. The victim eventually succumbs to the methodical verbal bombardment and believes the voice of the abuser.”
Day 29- “Abusers are easily threatened by victims who deviate from the prescribed system they dictate. Any form of personal growth or positive change from the victim is perceived as rebellious and divisive behavior. As a result, the abuser begins their shaming, accusatory campaign aimed at making the victim conform to their ideologies.”
Day 30- “It has been said that indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. To hate requires emotion. Abusers are marked by indifference. They denote an emotionless, apathetic attitude and high disregard towards the victims. Abusers do not care about them nor their families.”
Day 31- “Victims downplay their situation in their minds because of ignorance, fear, and shame. They allow the abuser to trespass daily against them to keep the peace. The peace never comes. With each accepted violation, the victim becomes more desensitized to the point that their dysfunction becomes normal.”
You are not alone in this fight. The injustice you are experiencing will not go unnoticed as long as there is a God who sees it. Your truth is your truth, and only you can make the changes necessary to live a normal and healthy life. There is help available, and I believe your story.
Make an appointment with a life coach or family therapist that is VERY educated and experienced with the intricacies associated with abuse.
Please visit my website at www.mymomentlc.com for more information on private coaching sessions. Do not hesitate or wait for another moment to reach out for help. This IS your moment!
I am here for you as well as other professionals who understand the complexity of your situation.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
Love is Respect- National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline 1-866-331-9474
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)- National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
National Human Trafficking Hotline 1-888-373-7888
The WomensLaw online helpline https://hotline.womenslaw.org
AVDA- Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse in Delray, FL 1-800-355-8547
Florida Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-500-1119