Every year in October, I write thirty-one reflections on abuse to commemorate Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This is my 3rd-year article.
Abuse has become commonplace in society. Young people get involved in toxic relationships and think it is normal to be abused since they never observed a healthy relationship modeled before them.
Many parents remain in abusive relationships for the sake of the children or at least until their children are adults, hoping that will help the situation.
There will always be a cost to pay either way. Divorce is never easy, but there are times when ethical and human welfare lines get crossed.
Separation and divorce are often necessary when the abuser refuses to change.
The victim must find a way to become a healthy and thriving human being when abusers could care less.
Day 1- “Spiritual abusers have all of the Bible verses memorized that pertain to their spouse’s gender. However, they seldom mention the scriptures that pertain to them because they believe that they are superior and God’s spokesperson.”
Day 2- “A spouse that abuses their partner cannot possibly be a good parent although they believe that they are. That would be an oxymoron.”
Day 3- “Abusers treat their spouses as substitute teachers who don’t have the full authority to teach and parent their children in the classroom of life. Instead, the abuser is the teacher who governs the family and calls all of the shots.”
Day 4- “Victims of abuse seldom get what they want and need physically and emotionally, be it all so small. It doesn’t matter what it is. The fact that they want it means the abuser will come up with a shaming reason as to why they can’t have it and won’t have it.”
Day 5- “Emotional and Psychological abusers frequently remind the victim of their flaws for them to feel and think that they are somehow always broken.”
Day 6- “Abusers will completely change the story to leave you second-guessing your reality. They want you to change the truthful script that you know and have experienced.”
Day 7- “Victims of abuse seldom feel safe even when the abuser doesn’t physically assault them. Victims also don’t feel understood because the abuser tells them that the words they say make no sense (gaslighting).”
Day 8- “It seems abuse is a mental game where the abuser wins every time. The victim is not allowed to win because the abuser is trying to “teach them a lesson.” It’s a losing battle, always, until God’s justice prevails.”
Day 9- “Abusers are very distrusting and judgmental people. They don’t share the stage with others in any arena. Abusers are very overprotective of everything they do, and collaborating/partnering with others is not an option. Victims are never given a chance to be a team player, shine, or use their God-given gifts within the relationship.”
Day 10- “Victims of abuse fear being rejected and abandoned by their children. Many times, the brainwashed children turn against the victimized parent and side with the abusive parent. To prevent further parental alienation, the victim puts up with the continual undeserved disrespect and dishonor.”
Day 11- “Spiritual abusers put down anything having to do with “self” such as self-improvement, self-development, and self-love. Beliefs linked to “self” are seen as selfish and ungodly. They want victims to believe that having self-care comes from being prideful because they don’t want them to grow or heal. Abusers want the victims to stay stunted and mentally dysfunctional.”
Day 12- “Abusers get victims all excited about planned family vacations and outings only to have them be deliberately canceled right before the scheduled date. The victim then gets blamed for the outcome and told that the cancelations occurred because of their bad behavior.”
Day 13- “Abusers ruin the reputation of the victim by sending false information and accusations through group texts and mass emails to family, friends, and colleagues. The purpose of this is to shame the victim while leaving them with no emotional support.”
Day 14- “The consequences that are given to the victim by the abuser never fits the crime.”
Day 15- “Spiritual abusers are no-nonsense people who do not believe in sparing the rod. Since their primary concern is to showcase their perfect family, they micromanage and physically discipline their children harshly. They expect first time obedience from them at all times. The children grow up in a fear-driven home where there is no grace in place or any room to make mistakes and be children.”
Day 16- “Victims of abuse are the main characters in their heartbreaking story and number one on the abuser’s list. A resurgence from the victim will cause toxic family dynamics to change. The abuser’s kingdom will crumble once the victim stops playing their role and is out of the picture. Sadly, many don’t get this far.”
Day 17- “In abusive homes, wrongs are never made right. Victims of abuse wait innocently in vain for an apology that never comes. Victims eventually lose their identity and any hope of closure.”
Day 18- “The abuser’s belief, premise, and unrelenting stance is that the victim is a liar. They gaslight the victim with this thought and accusation to destabilize them.”
Day 19- “The number one phrase used by abusers on victims is, “you are crazy” (meaning mentally ill). Yet, seeing how the abuser would treat a supposedly mentally ill person does not convince the victim to leave. They stay with the abuser for the children’s sake, financial concerns, spiritual reasons, or to be in a relationship to not be alone.”
Day 20- Abusers show no compassion to the victim when it comes to their painful upbringing and past trauma. Instead, they add more to it. Abusers are not concerned with the victim’s history, their present, or their future.”
Day 21- “Cows are branded to show ownership, and so are victims of abuse, except their branding is in their mind. The abuser convinces the victim that they don’t have options or a way out while using them for their purposes and needs. When the victim tries to leave, they end up going right back to the abuser, the owner who branded them. Slavery is still very much alive in many homes today.”
Day 22- “Victims who have suffered under spiritual abuse will develop a misconception of God. They will perceive God as a taskmaster who is only interested in their obedience, behavior, and performance. They will suffer needlessly and remain in an abusive relationship to avoid being abandoned by God.”
Day 23- “Abusive actions include behaviors of omission and commission. Abusers withhold important information from the victim, leaving them guessing, in the dark, and clueless. These reactions are control tactics and also a form of lying. Both types of behaviors are destructive, and in these cases, silence is not golden.”
Day 24- “Abusers are disinterested in the victim’s aspirations, accomplishments, and everyday life experiences since abusers are grossly neglectful and aloof. The victim craves relationship, support, and acknowledgment of any kind, but never gets it.”
Day 25- “Abusers tell the victim that they are trouble makers and divisive each time they bring up problems and issues within the relationship. The abuser proceeds to derail the victim’s concerns and dismiss their emotions.”
Day 26- “Abusers blame and accuse victims of ruining all holidays. The victim’s desire to have family traditions and create happy memories never becomes a reality. Instead, the abuser sets the stage for the victim to fail once again.”
Day 27- “Abusers disregard psychology and anything to do with personal growth and development. They constantly reject the victim’s plea for therapy. Abusers love to make fun of professionals in the helping profession. They believe that therapists and psychologists are crazy people who go into that career because they are crazy themselves.”
Day 28- “Abusers interfere with the victim’s job and chosen profession. They make them feel like they’re not qualified to do the job they went to school for. Abusers downplay the victim’s gifts and talents so that they are in the forefront of admiration.”
Day 29- “Abusers tell the victim that if they leave, that nobody will believe their story. The victim is shocked when close friends and relatives question and turn their backs on them. The victim is retraumatized and mourns the loss of relationships they thought they had.”
Day 30- “Abusers don’t let victims have their own social media accounts. They require full access and transparency to track the behaviors of the victim. The victim is not allowed to be their own person with separate accounts of any kind.”
Day 31- “Abusers deny victims the work of recovery. Yet, they expect the victims to heal quickly and forget the trauma the abusers induced without any outside help of any kind.”
You are not alone in this fight, and it is a fight.
The injustice you are experiencing will not go unnoticed as long as God sees it.
Your truth is your truth, and only you can make the changes necessary to live a normal and healthy life.
There is help available, and I believe your story.
Make an appointment with a life coach or family therapist who is VERY educated and experienced with abuse intricacies.
Please visit my website at www.mymomentlc.com for more information on private coaching sessions and a complimentary session.
Do not hesitate or wait for another moment to reach out for help. This IS your moment!
I am here for you as well as other professionals who understand the complexity of your situation.
My Moment Life Coaching Services
Personal Resilience Life Coach
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
Love is Respect- National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline 1-866-331-9474
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)- National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
National Human Trafficking Hotline 1-888-373-7888
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800- 273-8255
Disaster Distress Helpline 1-800-985-5990 This is a 24/7 crisis counseling for those going through emotional distress
National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453
The WomensLaw online helpline https://hotline.womenslaw.org
AVDA- Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse in Delray, FL 1-800-355-8547
Florida Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-500-1119