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Thirty-One Reflections of Domestic Abuse Part 3

Every year in October, I write thirty-one reflections on abuse to commemorate Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This is my 3rd-year article. 

Abuse has become commonplace in society. Young people get involved in toxic relationships and think it is normal to be abused since they never observed a healthy relationship modeled before them.

Many parents remain in abusive relationships for the sake of the children or at least until their children are adults, hoping that will help the situation. 

There will always be a cost to pay either way. Divorce is never easy, but there are times when ethical and human welfare lines get crossed. 

Separation and divorce are often necessary when the abuser refuses to change. 

The victim must find a way to become a healthy and thriving human being when abusers could care less.

Day 1- “Spiritual abusers have all of the Bible verses memorized that pertain to their spouse’s gender. However, they seldom mention the scriptures that pertain to them because they believe that they are superior and God’s spokesperson.”

Day 2- “A spouse that abuses their partner cannot possibly be a good parent although they believe that they are. That would be an oxymoron.”

Day 3- “Abusers treat their spouses as substitute teachers who don’t have the full authority to teach and parent their children in the classroom of life. Instead, the abuser is the teacher who governs the family and calls all of the shots.”

Day 4- “Victims of abuse seldom get what they want and need physically and emotionally, be it all so small. It doesn’t matter what it is. The fact that they want it means the abuser will come up with a shaming reason as to why they can’t have it and won’t have it.”

Day 5- “Emotional and Psychological abusers frequently remind the victim of their flaws for them to feel and think that they are somehow always broken.” 

Day 6- “Abusers will completely change the story to leave you second-guessing your reality. They want you to change the truthful script that you know and have experienced.”

Day 7- “Victims of abuse seldom feel safe even when the abuser doesn’t physically assault them. Victims also don’t feel understood because the abuser tells them that the words they say make no sense (gaslighting).”

Day 8- “It seems abuse is a mental game where the abuser wins every time. The victim is not allowed to win because the abuser is trying to “teach them a lesson.” It’s a losing battle, always, until God’s justice prevails.”

Day 9- “Abusers are very distrusting and judgmental people. They don’t share the stage with others in any arena. Abusers are very overprotective of everything they do, and collaborating/partnering with others is not an option. Victims are never given a chance to be a team player, shine, or use their God-given gifts within the relationship.”

Day 10- “Victims of abuse fear being rejected and abandoned by their children. Many times, the brainwashed children turn against the victimized parent and side with the abusive parent. To prevent further parental alienation, the victim puts up with the continual undeserved disrespect and dishonor.”

Day 11- “Spiritual abusers put down anything having to do with “self” such as self-improvement, self-development, and self-love. Beliefs linked to “self” are seen as selfish and ungodly. They want victims to believe that having self-care comes from being prideful because they don’t want them to grow or heal. Abusers want the victims to stay stunted and mentally dysfunctional.”

Day 12- “Abusers get victims all excited about planned family vacations and outings only to have them be deliberately canceled right before the scheduled date. The victim then gets blamed for the outcome and told that the cancelations occurred because of their bad behavior.”

Day 13- “Abusers ruin the reputation of the victim by sending false information and accusations through group texts and mass emails to family, friends, and colleagues. The purpose of this is to shame the victim while leaving them with no emotional support.”

Day 14- “The consequences that are given to the victim by the abuser never fits the crime.”

Day 15- “Spiritual abusers are no-nonsense people who do not believe in sparing the rod. Since their primary concern is to showcase their perfect family, they micromanage and physically discipline their children harshly. They expect first time obedience from them at all times. The children grow up in a fear-driven home where there is no grace in place or any room to make mistakes and be children.” 

Day 16- “Victims of abuse are the main characters in their heartbreaking story and number one on the abuser’s list. A resurgence from the victim will cause toxic family dynamics to change. The abuser’s kingdom will crumble once the victim stops playing their role and is out of the picture. Sadly, many don’t get this far.”

Day 17- “In abusive homes, wrongs are never made right. Victims of abuse wait innocently in vain for an apology that never comes. Victims eventually lose their identity and any hope of closure.”

Day 18- “The abuser’s belief, premise, and unrelenting stance is that the victim is a liar. They gaslight the victim with this thought and accusation to destabilize them.”

Day 19- “The number one phrase used by abusers on victims is, “you are crazy” (meaning mentally ill). Yet, seeing how the abuser would treat a supposedly mentally ill person does not convince the victim to leave. They stay with the abuser for the children’s sake, financial concerns, spiritual reasons, or to be in a relationship to not be alone.”

Day 20- Abusers show no compassion to the victim when it comes to their painful upbringing and past trauma. Instead, they add more to it. Abusers are not concerned with the victim’s history, their present, or their future.”

Day 21- “Cows are branded to show ownership, and so are victims of abuse, except their branding is in their mind. The abuser convinces the victim that they don’t have options or a way out while using them for their purposes and needs. When the victim tries to leave, they end up going right back to the abuser, the owner who branded them. Slavery is still very much alive in many homes today.”

Day 22- “Victims who have suffered under spiritual abuse will develop a misconception of God. They will perceive God as a taskmaster who is only interested in their obedience, behavior, and performance. They will suffer needlessly and remain in an abusive relationship to avoid being abandoned by God.”

Day 23- “Abusive actions include behaviors of omission and commission. Abusers withhold important information from the victim, leaving them guessing, in the dark, and clueless. These reactions are control tactics and also a form of lying. Both types of behaviors are destructive, and in these cases, silence is not golden.”

Day 24- “Abusers are disinterested in the victim’s aspirations, accomplishments, and everyday life experiences since abusers are grossly neglectful and aloof. The victim craves relationship, support, and acknowledgment of any kind, but never gets it.”

Day 25- “Abusers tell the victim that they are trouble makers and divisive each time they bring up problems and issues within the relationship. The abuser proceeds to derail the victim’s concerns and dismiss their emotions.”

Day 26- “Abusers blame and accuse victims of ruining all holidays. The victim’s desire to have family traditions and create happy memories never becomes a reality. Instead, the abuser sets the stage for the victim to fail once again.”

Day 27- “Abusers disregard psychology and anything to do with personal growth and development. They constantly reject the victim’s plea for therapy. Abusers love to make fun of professionals in the helping profession. They believe that therapists and psychologists are crazy people who go into that career because they are crazy themselves.”

Day 28- “Abusers interfere with the victim’s job and chosen profession. They make them feel like they’re not qualified to do the job they went to school for. Abusers downplay the victim’s gifts and talents so that they are in the forefront of admiration.”

Day 29- “Abusers tell the victim that if they leave, that nobody will believe their story. The victim is shocked when close friends and relatives question and turn their backs on them. The victim is retraumatized and mourns the loss of relationships they thought they had.”

Day 30- “Abusers don’t let victims have their own social media accounts. They require full access and transparency to track the behaviors of the victim. The victim is not allowed to be their own person with separate accounts of any kind.”

Day 31- “Abusers deny victims the work of recovery. Yet, they expect the victims to heal quickly and forget the trauma the abusers induced without any outside help of any kind.” 

Dear Victim,

You are not alone in this fight, and it is a fight. 

The injustice you are experiencing will not go unnoticed as long as God sees it. 

Your truth is your truth, and only you can make the changes necessary to live a normal and healthy life. 

There is help available, and I believe your story.

Make an appointment with a life coach or family therapist who is VERY educated and experienced with abuse intricacies.

Please visit my website at www.mymomentlc.com for more information on private coaching sessions and a complimentary session. 

Do not hesitate or wait for another moment to reach out for help. This IS your moment!

I am here for you as well as other professionals who understand the complexity of your situation.


My Moment Life Coaching Services

Daisy Daniel

Personal Resilience Life Coach 


National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

Love is Respect- National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline 1-866-331-9474

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)- National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673

National Human Trafficking Hotline 1-888-373-7888

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800- 273-8255

Disaster Distress Helpline 1-800-985-5990 This is a 24/7 crisis counseling for those going through emotional distress

National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453

The WomensLaw online helpline https://hotline.womenslaw.org

AVDA- Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse in Delray, FL 1-800-355-8547

Florida Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-500-1119

Thirty-One Reflections of Domestic Abuse Part 1

There is a misconception that domestic abuse is mainly physical. Research has shown that some of the most devastating forms of abuse are not necessarily physical. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical or sexual assault, or OTHER abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner to another. Domestic violence also includes physical violence, sexual violence, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse, and spiritual abuse.

There are abusive patterns that many times go unnoticed by the victim due to desensitization. Desensitization occurs when one experiences the loss of an emotional response to a negative or positive stimulus directed at them after repeated exposure to it. My goal in writing this article is to awaken those who have been abused for years and possibly decades and are not aware of it. These subtle forms of abuse leave a wreckage of scars, both emotional and physical, and trauma that takes years to heal from and overcome—the less abuse you experience, the quicker the healing.

There are thirty-one reflections — one reflection for every day of the month to commemorate Domestic Violence Awareness Month, which takes place every October in our nation. These reflections are not gendered specific, although women suffer the most abuse, with 85% of reported abuse cases coming from women versus 15%  from males.

Day 1

An abuser will eviscerate (deprive of its essential content) your heart and mind in every way possible for you to lose your identity and personhood.

Day 2

Abusers deny the truth and then accuse the victim of making things up. The #1 statement made by abusers to their victims is that they are crazy and are mentally ill.

Day 3

Abusers are unable to say that they are sorry or take responsibility for any of the conflicts that they have created. Instead, they blame the victim for everything.

Day 4

Abusers disengage, stonewall, and give the victim the silent treatment. This form of rejection shames the victim and increases their feelings of unworthiness.

Day 5

Abusers do not allow the victim to become the person they were supposed to be. They prevent and stunt their growth in all areas of life by limiting their freedoms. This control tactic leaves the victim in a perpetual state of immaturity and low self-worth. Sadly, with reverence and fear, the victim complies.

Day 6

Abusers do not want their victims to have any form of support system. They systematically love to alienate, separate, and keep the victim away from the people that they love and that love them. Abusers purposefully physically move the victim far away from their family and friends. These necessary relationships are denied and prevented since the abuser wants to be the only influencer in the victim’s life.

Day 7

Abusers willfully intimidate the victim by using different tactics within a systematic pattern to gain ultimate power and control over their partner. According to many psychologists, mental and psychological abuse produce more detrimental and lasting effects on the victim than physical abuse.

Day 8

Abusers do not allow the victim to work or pave a financial path of independence for themselves. They will provide for the victim’s physical needs such as food and shelter since the fringe benefits of control and power outweigh the sacrifice. Abusers neglect all of the other critical basic needs. They want the victim dependent on them financially so that they never leave.

Day 9

Abusers keep the victim in the dark about their finances while at the same time blaming them for their debt. The victim is accused of being lazy and not wanting to work or contribute to the family. When the victim attempts to get a job, the abuser sabotages their attempt towards financial independence. If they do manage to gain any form of employment, they must turn over all or most of what they have earned to the abuser.

Day 10

Abusers gaslight the victim by psychologically manipulating them into perpetually, second-guessing all of their decisions and their sanity. The abuser’s smooth and seamless mental destruction of the victim leaves them lacking confidence and stuck in a cycle of never-ending confusion.

Day 11

Abusers feel most accomplished when they successfully turn their children against the victimized parent. To an abuser, this is the ultimate sign of victory since their self-esteem is derived from being revered. The continual pain it causes the victim is very gratifying to them. The abuser is fully aware that parental alienation will destroy, devastate, and significantly weaken the victim. They also use it as a manipulative tool to get the victim to return to the household.

Day 12

Abusers are incapable of treating their partner with equality and equity. Instead, the victim is treated more like a child than an adult. Their relationship is not a partnership; it is more like a parent/child relationship. The victim needs to ask permission for everything and is not trusted to make decisions on their own. The abuser controls their every move with a heavy hand.

Day 13

Abuse victims do not always know that they are being abused due to the high level of love and trust they have for their partner. All they know is that something is not right. By the time they figure it out, the relationship is often irreconcilable. The abuser then intensifies the mistreatment so that the victim denies their perception and reality instead of getting stronger and leaving the abuser.

Day 14

Once abuse victims realize that they have been in an abusive relationship, anger quickly sets in. The victim feels violated and grieves the loss of the relationship they thought they had. The abuser reacts to the victim’s anger and grief with accusatory statements of blame and shame. They tell the victim that they are out of control and crazy. There is never any compassion or empathy for the victim, regardless of their emotions.

Day 15

Spiritual abusers use the Bible to condemn the victim and make them feel shame. Abusers take scriptures out of context and teach their children that to honor God, they must reject the other parent who is being “disobedient.” The children listen to an abusive parent because they fear to go to hell. They also fear the abusive parent. The abuser uses this technique to teach the victim a lesson and to keep them isolated and shame-based.

Day 16

Spiritual abusers like to quote the verse in the Bible that says that God hates divorce. Since the victim loves God, that statement immediately instills fear in them because they want to please God. The abuser will also say to the victim that the word divorce is not part of their vocabulary while neglecting to make any of the changes necessary to stop the abuse and better the relationship. They want to ensure that the victim believes and feels that they have no way out.

Day 17

Abusers intimidate and control the victim through physical force. They physically punish the victim the same way they would use corporal punishment on their children. To the abuser, the victim is perceived as subhuman. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, only slightly more than half of intimate partner physical violence is reported to law enforcement, and 76% of the victims are females; 24 % are male.

Day 18

The abuser doesn’t believe in divorce. This belief confuses the victim and makes them think that the abuser must love them since they want to remain in the relationship. The victim does not realize that to the abuser, it is just a game about power and control. The victim wants to believe that they are loved and needed, so they remain in the same abusive cycle. They think that by staying that they will influence their partner to change. They also feel they are setting a good example for their children by staying in the marriage and taking it.

Day 19

Abusers believe that they own the victim’s body the same way they control their minds. Abusers have a great sense of entitlement, and they perceive the victim as property to be used for their pleasure. This form of marital rape is used to intimidate, control, and humiliate the victim. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 9.4% of women in the U.S have been raped by an intimate partner. Many do not report the abuse if they are married.

Day 20

Abusers will try to prevent the victim from having any form of modern technology or education. They do not like to see the victim succeed or progress in life. If the victim does manage to accomplish something for themselves, they will not get any recognition for it. Abusers do not want the victim to have any outside influences that would cause them to ponder  their circumstances. The abuser thwarts advancement in the life of the victim to keep them uneducated and unable to make a positive change.

Day 21

Abusers like to homeschool their children. This fertile ground is the perfect platform to control, remove outside influences, isolate, and brainwash their family. Abusers do not want mandate reporters, such as teachers and counselors involved in their children’s lives. According to the nonprofit organization called Homeschooling’s Invisible Children, there is ample research and a complete database of cases involving all forms of abuse and homicide by homeschooling parents.

Day 22

Abusers like to intentionally stalk and instill paralyzing fear into the heart and mind of the victim. The abuser intimidates the victim by threatening to harm or kill them, their children, and their extended family. This form of emotional abuse terrorizes and significantly weakens the victim. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, 1 in 4 stalking victims will contemplate suicide as a way out of their situation.

Day 23

Abusers do not allow the victim or their children the opportunity to receive necessary medical and mental health services. The victim is threatened and told never to attempt to get help or else.  The abuser denies that the need even exists. They refuse family counseling of any kind because the only one with a problem, according to the abuser, is the victim. They do not permit outside intervention of any kind. The spiritual abuser reminds the victim that God alone will help them with their problems.

Day 24

Spiritual abusers minimize and reject the victim’s request for forgiveness on any matter. They tell the victim that their repentance is not real because if it were, then they would change. The victim believes this lie. They start second-guessing God’s love for them and their worth. The spiritual abuser puts themselves in place of God and manages to twist the victim’s perception of God. They want total allegiance from the victim.

Day 25

Abusers like to have partners that are much younger than they are to groom and mold to their liking. They scout out someone trusting, naive, and unassuming. The abuser’s dream is to create a fantasy partner. Once found, they begin the calculated process of forming new ideologies in the victim’s mind one brick at a time. The victim slowly changes who they are and never becomes the person they were meant to be.

Day 26

Abusers make sure that the friendships that are allowed are only with like-minded families. Other victims then surround the victim. Unfortunately, they do not know it. This lifestyle then cements in the victim’s mind that their life is “normal.” The abuser points out other victims within their circles and uses them as role models for the victim to emulate. This type of comparison leaves the victim feeling confused and worthless.

Day 27

Abusers love to alienate their children from the abused parent. The children learn to be abusive as well to prove their allegiance to the victimizer. The abuser gains their loyalty by giving them unlimited freedoms and monetary perks. The children continually dishonor the other parent as a form of punishment, never realizing that they are hostages who are also being abused. The abuser wants the victim to break at all costs.

Day 28

Abusers commit emotional incest with their children. They withhold essential information from their partner and share it with their children instead. The children become the abuser’s confidants. They feel honored to be entrusted with such valuable information. The children start looking down on the victimized parent. This kind of sick dependency could last a lifetime because of the value the children mistakenly derive from it.

Day 29

Abusers consistently put down the victim’s culture and background. They destroy the family roots and bonds that provide any form of security to the victim. Abusers eradicate the nostalgic feelings associated with the victim’s memories. They forbid them from hearing music or watching TV shows from their past. The abuser wants to be the only one at the forefront of the victim’s mind. The present life is what the victim is allowed to dwell on.

Day 30

Modern-day slavery exists in abusive homes. The abusers have a strategic cover-up operation going on. They serve as leaders in their church, supervise and manage people at their work, and are philanthropic. They dress nice, live in beautiful homes, and drive nice cars, yet their families are secretly destroyed from within. Their Facebook page is envied by many. When the victim finally reaches out for help, they are not believed. Unfortunately, some friends and family members will side with the abuser.

Day 31

Abusers utilize many forms of tactics to control and keep the victim sequestered. Their children become the primary instrument by which the abuser inflicts the most damage. The victim must find enough courage to leave amidst the bombardment. If the victim manages to separate, the abuser tells the children that the victim has broken the family apart and abandoned them to fulfill their dreams. This form of sinister abuse creates deep scars in the heart and minds of the children.

Dear victim,

You are not alone in this fight. The injustice you are experiencing will not go unnoticed as long as there is a God who sees it. Your truth is your truth, and only you can make the changes necessary to live a normal and healthy life. There is help available, and I believe your story.

Make an appointment with a life coach or family therapist that is VERY educated and experienced with the intricacies associated with abuse.

Please visit my website at www.mymomentlc.com for more information on private coaching sessions. Do not hesitate or wait for another moment to reach out for help. This IS your moment!

I am here for you as well as other professionals who understand the complexity of your situation.


National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

Love is Respect- National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline 1-866-331-9474

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)- National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673

National Human Trafficking Hotline 1-888-373-7888

The WomensLaw online helpline https://hotline.womenslaw.org

AVDA- Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse in Delray, FL 1-800-355-8547

Florida Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-500-1119