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Thirty-One Reflections of Domestic Abuse Part 3

Every year in October, I write thirty-one reflections on abuse to commemorate Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This is my 3rd-year article. 

Abuse has become commonplace in society. Young people get involved in toxic relationships and think it is normal to be abused since they never observed a healthy relationship modeled before them.

Many parents remain in abusive relationships for the sake of the children or at least until their children are adults, hoping that will help the situation. 

There will always be a cost to pay either way. Divorce is never easy, but there are times when ethical and human welfare lines get crossed. 

Separation and divorce are often necessary when the abuser refuses to change. 

The victim must find a way to become a healthy and thriving human being when abusers could care less.

Day 1- “Spiritual abusers have all of the Bible verses memorized that pertain to their spouse’s gender. However, they seldom mention the scriptures that pertain to them because they believe that they are superior and God’s spokesperson.”

Day 2- “A spouse that abuses their partner cannot possibly be a good parent although they believe that they are. That would be an oxymoron.”

Day 3- “Abusers treat their spouses as substitute teachers who don’t have the full authority to teach and parent their children in the classroom of life. Instead, the abuser is the teacher who governs the family and calls all of the shots.”

Day 4- “Victims of abuse seldom get what they want and need physically and emotionally, be it all so small. It doesn’t matter what it is. The fact that they want it means the abuser will come up with a shaming reason as to why they can’t have it and won’t have it.”

Day 5- “Emotional and Psychological abusers frequently remind the victim of their flaws for them to feel and think that they are somehow always broken.” 

Day 6- “Abusers will completely change the story to leave you second-guessing your reality. They want you to change the truthful script that you know and have experienced.”

Day 7- “Victims of abuse seldom feel safe even when the abuser doesn’t physically assault them. Victims also don’t feel understood because the abuser tells them that the words they say make no sense (gaslighting).”

Day 8- “It seems abuse is a mental game where the abuser wins every time. The victim is not allowed to win because the abuser is trying to “teach them a lesson.” It’s a losing battle, always, until God’s justice prevails.”

Day 9- “Abusers are very distrusting and judgmental people. They don’t share the stage with others in any arena. Abusers are very overprotective of everything they do, and collaborating/partnering with others is not an option. Victims are never given a chance to be a team player, shine, or use their God-given gifts within the relationship.”

Day 10- “Victims of abuse fear being rejected and abandoned by their children. Many times, the brainwashed children turn against the victimized parent and side with the abusive parent. To prevent further parental alienation, the victim puts up with the continual undeserved disrespect and dishonor.”

Day 11- “Spiritual abusers put down anything having to do with “self” such as self-improvement, self-development, and self-love. Beliefs linked to “self” are seen as selfish and ungodly. They want victims to believe that having self-care comes from being prideful because they don’t want them to grow or heal. Abusers want the victims to stay stunted and mentally dysfunctional.”

Day 12- “Abusers get victims all excited about planned family vacations and outings only to have them be deliberately canceled right before the scheduled date. The victim then gets blamed for the outcome and told that the cancelations occurred because of their bad behavior.”

Day 13- “Abusers ruin the reputation of the victim by sending false information and accusations through group texts and mass emails to family, friends, and colleagues. The purpose of this is to shame the victim while leaving them with no emotional support.”

Day 14- “The consequences that are given to the victim by the abuser never fits the crime.”

Day 15- “Spiritual abusers are no-nonsense people who do not believe in sparing the rod. Since their primary concern is to showcase their perfect family, they micromanage and physically discipline their children harshly. They expect first time obedience from them at all times. The children grow up in a fear-driven home where there is no grace in place or any room to make mistakes and be children.” 

Day 16- “Victims of abuse are the main characters in their heartbreaking story and number one on the abuser’s list. A resurgence from the victim will cause toxic family dynamics to change. The abuser’s kingdom will crumble once the victim stops playing their role and is out of the picture. Sadly, many don’t get this far.”

Day 17- “In abusive homes, wrongs are never made right. Victims of abuse wait innocently in vain for an apology that never comes. Victims eventually lose their identity and any hope of closure.”

Day 18- “The abuser’s belief, premise, and unrelenting stance is that the victim is a liar. They gaslight the victim with this thought and accusation to destabilize them.”

Day 19- “The number one phrase used by abusers on victims is, “you are crazy” (meaning mentally ill). Yet, seeing how the abuser would treat a supposedly mentally ill person does not convince the victim to leave. They stay with the abuser for the children’s sake, financial concerns, spiritual reasons, or to be in a relationship to not be alone.”

Day 20- Abusers show no compassion to the victim when it comes to their painful upbringing and past trauma. Instead, they add more to it. Abusers are not concerned with the victim’s history, their present, or their future.”

Day 21- “Cows are branded to show ownership, and so are victims of abuse, except their branding is in their mind. The abuser convinces the victim that they don’t have options or a way out while using them for their purposes and needs. When the victim tries to leave, they end up going right back to the abuser, the owner who branded them. Slavery is still very much alive in many homes today.”

Day 22- “Victims who have suffered under spiritual abuse will develop a misconception of God. They will perceive God as a taskmaster who is only interested in their obedience, behavior, and performance. They will suffer needlessly and remain in an abusive relationship to avoid being abandoned by God.”

Day 23- “Abusive actions include behaviors of omission and commission. Abusers withhold important information from the victim, leaving them guessing, in the dark, and clueless. These reactions are control tactics and also a form of lying. Both types of behaviors are destructive, and in these cases, silence is not golden.”

Day 24- “Abusers are disinterested in the victim’s aspirations, accomplishments, and everyday life experiences since abusers are grossly neglectful and aloof. The victim craves relationship, support, and acknowledgment of any kind, but never gets it.”

Day 25- “Abusers tell the victim that they are trouble makers and divisive each time they bring up problems and issues within the relationship. The abuser proceeds to derail the victim’s concerns and dismiss their emotions.”

Day 26- “Abusers blame and accuse victims of ruining all holidays. The victim’s desire to have family traditions and create happy memories never becomes a reality. Instead, the abuser sets the stage for the victim to fail once again.”

Day 27- “Abusers disregard psychology and anything to do with personal growth and development. They constantly reject the victim’s plea for therapy. Abusers love to make fun of professionals in the helping profession. They believe that therapists and psychologists are crazy people who go into that career because they are crazy themselves.”

Day 28- “Abusers interfere with the victim’s job and chosen profession. They make them feel like they’re not qualified to do the job they went to school for. Abusers downplay the victim’s gifts and talents so that they are in the forefront of admiration.”

Day 29- “Abusers tell the victim that if they leave, that nobody will believe their story. The victim is shocked when close friends and relatives question and turn their backs on them. The victim is retraumatized and mourns the loss of relationships they thought they had.”

Day 30- “Abusers don’t let victims have their own social media accounts. They require full access and transparency to track the behaviors of the victim. The victim is not allowed to be their own person with separate accounts of any kind.”

Day 31- “Abusers deny victims the work of recovery. Yet, they expect the victims to heal quickly and forget the trauma the abusers induced without any outside help of any kind.” 

Dear Victim,

You are not alone in this fight, and it is a fight. 

The injustice you are experiencing will not go unnoticed as long as God sees it. 

Your truth is your truth, and only you can make the changes necessary to live a normal and healthy life. 

There is help available, and I believe your story.

Make an appointment with a life coach or family therapist who is VERY educated and experienced with abuse intricacies.

Please visit my website at www.mymomentlc.com for more information on private coaching sessions and a complimentary session. 

Do not hesitate or wait for another moment to reach out for help. This IS your moment!

I am here for you as well as other professionals who understand the complexity of your situation.

Referrals

My Moment Life Coaching Services

Daisy Daniel

Personal Resilience Life Coach 

www.mymomentlc.com

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

Love is Respect- National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline 1-866-331-9474

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)- National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673

National Human Trafficking Hotline 1-888-373-7888

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800- 273-8255

Disaster Distress Helpline 1-800-985-5990 This is a 24/7 crisis counseling for those going through emotional distress

National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453

The WomensLaw online helpline https://hotline.womenslaw.org

AVDA- Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse in Delray, FL 1-800-355-8547

Florida Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-500-1119

Thirty-One Reflections of Domestic Abuse Part 2

Thirty-One Reflections On Domestic Abuse Part 2

Every year in October, I write thirty-one reflections on abuse to commemorate Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Abuse has become commonplace in society. Young people get involved in toxic relationships and think it is normal to be abused since they never observed a healthy relationship modeled before them.

Many parents remain in abusive relationships for the sake of the children or at least until their children are adults hoping that somehow that helps the situation. There will always be a cost to pay either way. Divorce is never easy, but there are times when ethical and human welfare lines have been crossed. Separation and divorce are often necessary when the abuser refuses to change. The victim must find a way to become a healthy and thriving human being when abusers could care less.

The #1 reason that I share awareness about domestic abuse is that many of the victims do not realize that they are in an abusive relationship. Victims are many times trusting and outstanding people who do not give up easily. They WANT their marriage to work. They can not fathom that they are in an abusive relationship.

I hope that somehow, someway, victims caught in this dilemma recognize the abuse they are under when they come across my writing. It is not a fun topic to talk about, but it is a social issue that has reached epidemic proportions and needs to be voiced. Please seek help if any of these 31 reflections resonate with you. Abuse does not get better on its own.

For those who have been victimized, the education that comes from injustice and abuse is very valuable. The abuse was not wholly useless. Use that experience and knowledge to empower yourself and others.

Day 1- “Abuse creates a civil war within the nuclear family. The children and spouse that you thought was on your team are now suddenly against you, many times for life.”

Day 2- “When you are in an abusive relationship, you are dispensable, disowned, and disinherited. You are quickly replaced and never talked about again.”

Day 3- “The victim of abuse must find the courage within themselves to bring the situation to the light by speaking about it and getting help. If they stay silent, things will never change.”

Day 4- “Abusers like to pretend that they are going to commit suicide to keep you emotionally attached, fear-stricken, and in turmoil.”

Day 5- “The alienated children who live with the abusive parent have very high regard and loyalty to the abusive parent. All the while, they treat the victimized parent with the highest of disrespect.”

Day 6- “Alienated children dismiss the victimized parent by ignoring important events and holidays such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and birthdays. They treat the victim as if they were dead and deserving of such treatment since, after all, it was the victim who left the abuser in the child’s mind.”

Day 7- “Abusers seldom admit to any wrongs or shortcomings, and repentance is unheard of. Do not hold out for an apology.”

Day 8- “A very small percentage of abused victims leave the abuser, and a tiny percentage of abusers change.”

Day 9- “Abusers and their victims do not sleep in the same bed. This survival mechanism allows the victim to tolerate the daily hostile environment that they find themselves in. Abusers who enforce the opposite, are committing sexual abuse.”

Day 10- “Men get abused the same way women do. The problem is that they are too ashamed to talk about it, get help for it, and report it.”

Day 11- “Victims of abuse do not see themselves as having value due to the destruction of their personhood at the hands of the abuser. Therefore, they choose to remain in a toxic relationship.”

Day 12- “Remaining in a chronic abusive relationship or environment could eventually lead to mental illness. The cost of staying is very high, and its effect on the mind is many times irreversible.”

Day 13- “It has been said that teamwork makes the dream work. Well, not in abusive homes. The victim is not even on the team, although they think they are. Their input is not welcomed or needed. They are on the “outside” looking in.

Day 14- “Victims of abuse remain in toxic relationships for the sake of their children, not realizing that their children will suffer regardless. The prolonged unhealthy role modeling witnessed by their children solidifies dysfunctional patterns in their minds. The victim also extends their suffering by remaining in the abusive relationship and risks further damage.

Day 15- “Abusers use the victim by making them a surrogate spouse. The victims think they are an equal partner creating a family when, in reality, they are just part of a plan. The abuser wants to birth perfect children with their DNA and uses the victim for this purpose. They do not want the victim’s influence or imprint on “their” children.”

Day 16- “Victims of spiritual abuse cannot fulfill God’s plan for their lives while living with a spiritual abuser. Their God-given gifts are forfeited due to the codependent cycle they find themselves in and the barrage of false messages that they are told and believed. Victims talk themselves into believing that accepting and putting  up with the abuse is a sign of strength, godliness, and obedience  to God.”

Day 17 – “To help victims of abuse, the best things friends and family could do is to hear them, love them, support them, and BELIEVE them. Their abuser never believes them. Being there for the victim regardless of their choice to remain or leave the abusive relationship is crucial. They will need extra support if they leave.”

Day 18- “The Patriarchy Movement is at the forefront of spiritual abuse. When any man positions himself as God’s spokesperson within the family role, exploitation of the mind is imminent. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where TWO minds work TOGETHER for the common good, not a dictatorship.

Day 19- “Abusers are focused, patient, and relentless when it comes to getting their way. They do not budge. They study the victim in detail. They know just what to say and how to say it to keep the victim indefinitely obedient, oppressed, and disoriented.”

Day 20- “Losing a child to parental alienation is worse than losing them to death. With death, there is closure. With parental alienation, there is never any closure, the act is senseless and intentionally perpetrated by family.”

Day 21- Common sense does not come easily to victims of abuse.  They always second-guess their decisions since they are never allowed to lead and learn. Leaving an abusive relationship demands a choice that they are too weak, confused, and afraid to make. Yet, only they hold the key to their freedom.” 

Day 22- “One of the spiritual abuser’s favorite Bible verses is Titus 3:10, which states to have nothing to do with a divisive person.  When the victim reaches out for help, the abuser tells them that they are dividing the family. Abusers teach this verse to their children so that the rejection (parental alienation) is justified in their eyes. This belief system is at the core of every cult that has ever existed. Abusers then excommunicate and “put out” their spouse as a lesson. In many cases, the abuser gets sole custody of their children a form of punishment unless the victim repents and returns to the home/abuse.”

Day 23- “Spiritual abusers hold family meetings that could last for hours. At these meetings, they break down the victim emotionally by using Bible verses against them. The meeting never ends until THEY say it has ended. The goal of the abuser is for the victim and the children to change their behavior. Being perceived as the perfect family is essential to a spiritual abuser.”

Day 24- “An abuser’s words and actions are like smoke and mirrors. They deceive their audience daily with their performance. They make it look like they are getting things done and in the right when, in reality, they are doing nothing and are in the wrong.”

Day 25- “Victims of abuse are prisoners in their own homes. They are confined physically and mentally by the abusive prison officer. The victim must ask for permission for basic things. Once captured, it is hard to get out without a fight.”

Day 26- “Victims of abuse fear to be alone. In their minds, leaving the abuser and living without a partner is equal to being unwanted. The fact is that they have been lonely and unwanted for a very long time, but they do not realize it. Victims would be happier living under a bridge alone than living in an abusive household.” 

Day 27- “Spiritual abusers are false prophets who prophesy the deceit of their minds. They fill the victim with vain hope and never deliver what they promise. Spiritual abusers also exploit the victim with false words. The victim blindly believes and obeys the abuser, thereby forfeiting their God-given gifts and personhood.”

Day 28- “Abusers will systematically repeat the same key phrases to the victim over and over again for long periods. This tactic is effective at breaking down the victim emotionally and psychologically. The victim eventually succumbs to the methodical verbal bombardment and believes the voice of the abuser.”

Day 29- “Abusers are easily threatened by victims who deviate from the prescribed system they dictate. Any form of personal growth or positive change from the victim is perceived as rebellious and divisive behavior. As a result, the abuser begins their shaming, accusatory campaign aimed at making the victim conform to their ideologies.”

Day 30- “It has been said that indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. To hate requires emotion. Abusers are marked by indifference. They denote an emotionless, apathetic attitude and high disregard towards the victims. Abusers do not care about them nor their families.”

Day 31- “Victims downplay their situation in their minds because of ignorance, fear,  and shame. They allow the abuser to trespass daily against them to keep the peace. The peace never comes. With each accepted violation, the victim becomes more desensitized to the point that their dysfunction becomes normal.”

Dear Victim,

You are not alone in this fight. The injustice you are experiencing will not go unnoticed as long as there is a God who sees it. Your truth is your truth, and only you can make the changes necessary to live a normal and healthy life. There is help available, and I believe your story.

Make an appointment with a life coach or family therapist that is VERY educated and experienced with the intricacies associated with abuse.

Please visit my website at www.mymomentlc.com for more information on private coaching sessions. Do not hesitate or wait for another moment to reach out for help. This IS your moment!

I am here for you as well as other professionals who understand the complexity of your situation.

Referrals

www.mymomentlc.com

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

Love is Respect- National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline 1-866-331-9474

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)- National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673

National Human Trafficking Hotline 1-888-373-7888

The WomensLaw online helpline https://hotline.womenslaw.org

AVDA- Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse in Delray, FL 1-800-355-8547

Florida Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-500-1119